Parents? To Be Or Not To Be…..

Many people, in my experience, wonder how, or why, some women or couples choose not to have children. Some, both men and women, have even made belittling comments around me about women who choose not to have children. I can’t speak for everyone but I will share why my husband and I have chosen not to so far. I can’t tell you that my husband and I long to be parents, though we have had our moments. I can’t tell you that we feel like we’re missing out by not having had a child.

I can’t tell you that having a child would mean the world to us…….because that just isn’t the case. The truth is, regardless of our reasons, we are complete, happy and fulfilled, as a family in our love for each other, without children. God completes us individually and we complete each other as a couple, as one flesh, or we wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. God is my first love and my husband is the love of my life and will always be, in that order, with or without children. We’ve both made the mistake of not having our priorities straight before, paid the price for that, and hopefully learned our lesson.

I know many people have been married, had children, divorced and remarried. That is another conversation, and honestly, I don’t know how God views those circumstances as far as priorities go, other than He expects to be your top priority, of course. Please don’t take that as judgement, I can assure you isn’t. I, myself, exist as a product of a second marriage stemmed from divorce. People have reasons for coming to the decisions that they do and that is between them and God. It’s simply an observation, not judgement.

Yes, children are a blessing from God regardless of the circumstance. They are supposed to be a product of the love between a husband and a wife but we are fallen beings in a fallen world. With that being said, most of the time, I thank God for not blessing us with a child and it really has nothing to do with children themselves and more to do with the world around us. Don’t misunderstand, a child is  a blessing, could and would enhance our life together. A part of me would be thrilled if we wound up having a child.

We haven’t completely ruled it out and we would most certainly love every minute of being that child’s parents. We have our moments where we think its a great idea, whether through adoption or exploring avenues to have a biological child. We even tried for a short time many years ago. Those many years ago, the world was a different place and most of the time, in today’s society, the thought paralyzes me with fear and Im thankful trying didn’t work out. That doesn’t mean that having a child will never come to mean a great deal to us. I don’t know the future but we’ve definitely been considering it.

Though we trust in God, we fear the kind of world our child would have to grow up in, one that has changed drastically just in the last twenty years. A world in which we would have very little control of their surroundings when away from us. Fear that while we would do our best to instill God’s word in our child, knowing ultimately, our child would have to deal with more pressure, and more ridicule than is out there now, because of it. At the very least, fearing that our child would be indoctrinated in some way, shape, or form by faithless adults or their own peers, to at the very least, doubt the word of God, or at the very worst, to turn from their belief, faith, and God completely.

I realize the strength of their faith would play a big role in that, but the fact is, peer pressure exists for young people who are figuring the world out. Especially when made to feel as though you lack intelligence for what you believe. I do not envy Christian parents today. I certainly respect most of you, but I do not wish I could be you. I respect that you try to raise God fearing children to have respect, decency and dignity in a world that makes that very difficult. I pray for you, I pray for your children. I pray for those without the luxury of a loving parent to lead their way, which is why we’ve considered adoption. I pray for those who were never taught how much God loves them and the sacrifice he made for them (parents and children).

I pray for the world to become a better place for them to grow up and live in…..but most of the time I feel relief that I am not in your shoes. The thought of television, radio, entertainers in general, their friends, parents of the friends they will be around (who may not take parenting as seriously as you do), and the “leaders” of our country, that my child would be subjected to, possibly influenced by, by todays standards, literally makes me feel fearful and panicked, and Im only imagining what I would feel as a parent. I can’t imagine sending my child off into the world, wherever that may be, in whatever situation may be, and trusting that they would be surrounded by positive influences that have their best interests at heart, because so many today only have their own interests and agendas in mind. I can’t imagine trusting that those people would teach them truth, or at least, respect their beliefs and choices.

The real consequences of today’s society and even my own mistakes, to the detriment of my hypothetical child, are a lot to think about. I don’t not long for a child because I am selfish or unloving. Im very capable of loving others more than myself and already do, my husband for example, and always have. I don’t, because the love I feel for the mere thought of my own hypothetical child, is a terrifying thought in todays world. Im grateful that I don’t have that worry on top of the constant worry for my husband and loved ones. There are many parents who don’t care what their children are exposed to, or what they grow up believing.

Some even call themselves Christians and invite a plethora of inappropriate things, including adult conversations, subjects and circumstances, around their children, in their own home, without a second thought. I commend all parents who did more than just have a child and let the chips fall where they may by using the excuse, children will be children, or act like their children’s friends rather than the parents and disciplinarians they need. I know most are not like this, but many are, and I whole heartedly believe our country is in the state its in because of the breakdown of family, because God is not the center of the family anymore, because Husbands and Fathers don’t lead the family, because many just don’t care. In fact, not only do children need discipline but so do adults, which is where God comes in, to hold us accountable.

I once witnessed a parent, who identifies as Christian, respond with, “because thats just what we’re supposed to do”, when asked by their child why they should have to go to church due to the child having decided they didn’t believe in God. My heart was saddened for this kid who’s parents would go to church, but couldn’t even relay why, and didn’t seem bothered in the least by their child’s lack of belief or faith in God. They let this opportunity pass them by to parent their child who was literally asking for a reason to believe. Honestly, through many personal experiences, it seems as though many parents today don’t take parenting or God all that seriously. I realize even if they had, they couldn’t force their child to believe anything, and that child will grow up to be and believe whatever they want to, but what a better likely hood there would be for them to come back to their faith, if as that child’s parent, you could explain to them what Jesus did for you and them, and what that means to you.

A parent can make all the difference in the world. This child will then be around other children with this mindset and this influence. This is one of the very things that I would fear my child being around. I know “the perfect parent” doesn’t exist but for those of you who take an active role in the parenting and teaching of your children, I applaud you for being active parents who care, doing more than the bare minimum as a parent and trying to teach your children to be respectful, decent, moral, productive human beings. I applaud you for setting the example by your own actions, correcting your own, and their behavior when needed, rather than encouraging indecency in them, or never admitting when you make a mistake, which I have also witnessed many times.

I understand well that life doesn’t always go according to plan, we all make mistakes and sometimes you have to play the hand you were dealt to the best of your ability, whether by your own hand, and consequences of, or something out of your control, so I commend those single parents also. Im sure this post will make some of you angry. Some will tell themselves, or me, that Im not a parent and don’t know anything. There is no doubt that I don’t know all there is to know, and neither does anyone else, but I don’t need to be a parent to know God and God’s word. I don’t need to be a parent to have the ability to objectively observe what is going on around me or to have the capability to love others more than I love myself, so much that I put their well being and happiness ahead of my own simply by instinct. I am just being honest about our perspective when it comes to choosing not to be parents.

No one is able to be a perfect parent or person, of course, but your best, and certainly your example, makes more of a difference than you may realize, and not only to your children. Those of us without children, are grateful for you as God fearing parents, whether married, divorced or neither, but chose to have that child, either to raise or to give another family a gift. We’re grateful for those who allow Christ to lead you and your family. You, are a great hope to witness, you are a great hope to this country, and the great kids you’ve raised, are the reason that we sometimes think….maybe. As for right now, we’ll stick to our furry and feathered children. ?