The Wolf At The Door
I deleted this post after leaving it up for nearly a year but I was recently reminded that there just might be someone out there who stumbles across this and feels comforted in knowing they’re not alone so Im reposting ❤️
October 6, 2016
I want to start off by saying I really did not want to post this and Im not sure that I will leave this post up long term. It is extremely personal and very uncomfortable to share. I will barely talk about it because, to me, it is too personal, too raw, and really, not easily explainable. I once heard someone say they don’t discuss it, and they believe most don’t discuss it, because of the stigma. I disagree with that, though I don’t discount that person’s feelings or point of view.
First, I don’t think there is much of a stigma attached to it anymore and second, I think most, including myself, don’t discuss it because they don’t believe anyone will care. I personally don’t discuss it because I don’t like feeling as though I’m not strong enough to handle it on my own, which is a wrong way of thinking, and I wont open myself up to someone just so they can be dismissive or talk about how “many people experience it” or go through it. Yes, most everyone experiences it at some point, for some reason. When I talk about depression, it isn’t that kind of depression.
It isn’t linked to a certain event, happening or loss, though any one of those things can bring it on or trigger it. It is more about life as a whole. A feeling of hopelessness….of “what is the point?”….of expectation, of disappointment….. and a pain you cant quite explain. It is a battle Ive been fighting for as long as I can remember. It is a darkness that creeps in, and you are aware its happening, you feel it happening, taking over, and you can do nothing to stop it.
It is being afraid of what it will bring you to, afraid because the last time, you came so close…..too close to not being able to get through it, even though you recognize and understand what it is while you’re experiencing it. It is being worn out, tired of trying to be strong, tired of telling yourself to just hang on a little longer, tired of fighting through over and over again knowing the victory will be short lived, just to circle right back to it for another battle.
It is feeling like nothing about you matters, that life doesn’t matter. Somewhere inside yourself you know that isn’t true if you know God is your creator, but you can’t quiet the demon and you constantly wrestle with yourself, in your mind, that that is not how it really is, but its how you feel, and you cant unfeel it no matter how hard you try, regardless that you are completely aware of what it is. You cant get over it. You cant talk or share it away and even if you could, explaining what you feel is an impossibility.
Many people experience it but the last thing you want to hear when you are confiding in someone is how, “many people experience it”. The last thing you want to feel is one more thing that makes you feel as though you don’t really matter because “so many people experience it”, and so, you just keep it all to yourself. All the chaos wrapped up nice, neat and contained from the world. God loves me. I know this in my heart but I have great difficulty convincing my mind during these bouts, in spite of the fact that logically I know what Im feeling is wrong….and I know the enemy likes it that way.
He wants to separate us from God in any way possible and I try hard not to let him win, but that is a constant hold of long, not so lost, painful memories of rejection (in many ways), or being mistreated for reasons you can’t fathom, of feeling inadequate, undeserving, passed up, stupid, disrespected, betrayed, avoided, used, unlovable, misunderstood. Add anxiety, in any form, on top of that and it seems impossible to be around anyone without feeling judged, criticized or unwanted, and ultimately, most importantly, unknown…..unknowable because you’ve built fort knox around yourself and locked it up so tightly you’re not even sure you know yourself anymore…..but mostly, it creeps in from seemingly no where, for no conscious specific reason… just many reasons from life as a whole.
You aren’t unhappy, nothing specific happens to set it off most of the time, and that really makes you wonder what is wrong with you….this is the enemy at work. The enemy is trying to make me doubt Gods love and His plan for my life. Trying to make me believe that my life doesn’t matter, that I know my needs or the experiences I’ve had better than The One who created me knows me and them. I don’t have the answers but I know and I have clung to the fact that I have to trust Him and worship Him obediently. God’s word is my only comfort during those battles.
He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my intent. He knows my mind and I have to remind myself constantly that HE is all I need and HE deems me worthy because HE created me. I have to remind myself that I have a purpose or I wouldn’t be here. Im not sure why I felt compelled to write about this personal subject other than I’ve felt as though God keeps tugging at me to share, for whatever reason, and I have no doubt, though I cant see it yet and maybe I never will, there is a reason. I have read others make comments about how you can’t possibly know God if you experience depression.
Maybe thats why I felt the need. That, of course, is ludicrous and the thought of anyone believing that breaks my heart for them. I am a Christian and it’s because I know God that I have made it through to fight another day. The glory is all His. He is my strength. He is my refuge. When you face an impossible battle or just daily stresses, seek Him. Turn to Him, not from Him. When you feel like no one knows you or loves you, He knows you, He loves you and He wants to fight your battle for you while you cling tight to Him.