Fathers and Daughters

In a room in the ICU unit, there was a sense of hope and relief as his sats had become better than they had been since he came out of heart surgery. He was still unconscious after being sedated for days, even though his sedation meds had been turned down to a very low percentage, which we all knew wasn’t a great sign. I had been holding his hand, I was praying often and telling him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him to wake up, and letting him listen to me sing. He loved to listen to me sing and I thought that might rouse him back to consciousness somehow.

He did a few things that made me think he could hear me, but relief that his sats were now almost perfect, and hope that he would soon wake from his sedated slumber, soon turned to devastation, disbelief and an unbelievable feeling of vulnerability that I had never felt before, or ever considered feeling. Any daughter that has lost a father, I would imagine, knows this unexpected feeling. Yes, I have certainly felt vulnerable before but this was different, this was completely. I now understand what “completely” means in a way that I never have before.

The second I saw the doctors face, as he and a nurse came through the doors we were asked to wait outside of, I knew…………..and that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. In that one moment, I felt overwhelming sadness and loss, overwhelming disorientation from a new reality that my brain could not get hold of, could not grasp, and did not want to participate in. I felt a blind rage toward this doctor sitting before me letting the nurse do all the talking, though I had no idea what she was saying. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt empty, but mostly, I felt the enveloping enormity of what it is to be vulnerable…………all I could do was sit silently in shock and stare at this doctor, who I now felt disdain for with every fiber of my being.

I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t move. All I could do was sit and feel all these feelings that were suddenly a part of this new, unwanted, breath taking, heart wrenching, unacceptable, vulnerable reality that was dealt me, that had in an instant, forever changed me. Im a married, grown, woman and the loss of my Dad, my protector, the barrier between myself and the evils of the world, my best friend, my biggest fan, the one I could always go to if I needed anything, was now gone. It took away my sense of safety. I never expected to feel that way and I had tried to prepare myself for the worst case scenario considering he was having heart surgery after years of problems.

I still struggle daily with wrapping my mind around him no longer being here. Its as though my brain just cannot comprehend that he, a life force to be reckoned with, no longer lives and breathes on this earth. There are only momentary flashes of this new reality at the oddest times. The despair and the overwhelming emotion that sneak up, and break the surface are too much to bear, too uncontrollable, so I gladly let it sink back, deep inside, until the next wave hits that can no longer be suppressed in this unpredictable sea of what is grief….and it is completely unpredictable.

I try to figure out how people navigate this but it is too difficult to reason or accept that someone who had a life, who wanted to live, who was loved and needed, could exist one second and not the next. At least, no longer exist on this side of Heaven. I’ve lost people I love before and it was devastating, but not like this, not in a way that just couldn’t be accepted. Not because of refusal, but because my brain just cant seem to process it. Grief is a shocking, whirl wind of emotion. I know most people probably just assume their parents will go before them. Death is a part of life.

I never felt that way. I always thought he would out live us all. Im grateful and Im thankful for the years together that God blessed us with, and for the small amount of time after his surgery when he was going to be okay…..when he was his usual, normal, conscious self. That is definitely one of the reasons this is so hard to accept….he was okay. Im grateful that I was able to be there and that he knew I was there. Im grateful and thankful that he was my Daddy and if it had been my choice, a choice, I would have chosen him without hesitation.

I wrote the following in honor of my Dad shortly after his passing and in honor of Fathers Day, am sharing here today.

It’s impossible to sum up a mans life in a few paragraphs of words, or a few pictures we hold onto….because what we say about someone, and the still shots we have, are only moments of the precious time we have personally shared with a loved one. Everyone who has a relationship of any kind with someone will have their own stories to tell, and memories to cherish. My Daddy had a great life, though not an easy one, BECAUSE He was loved by many, and respected by many, in spite of the fact that He was a law enforcement officer of some kind, for most of His adult life, which He would say, doesn’t make you a lot of friends.

I, however, know that he was wrong about that, at least in His case. He had many, many friends who thought very highly of Him, as did I. He wasn’t flawless, He made mistakes, and He had a few regrets, as we all do…..but, I loved Him unconditionally because in spite of all of my flaws and mistakes, and a lot of teenage, bratty behavior, HE loved ME UNCONDITIONALLY. He was ALWAYS on my side and He was ALWAYS there for me when I needed Him.

He may not have realized it, but He was a best friend to me. When there was something to share, big, small, exciting or funny, I couldn’t wait to share it with Him. He knew everything there was to know about me. The good, the bad and the ugly…..and He never made me feel like He disapproved of who I am. He listened when I needed Him to, He gave advice when He knew I needed it, He strongly disliked anyone who intentionally tried to hurt me, He would pick on me relentlessly, which I loved, and He always made me laugh.

I loved listening to his stories about his time as a police officer(which he absolutely loved), and most of all, his stories about his childhood. He worked for, and He earned every single thing He ever had. Though, I would consider his childhood a rough one, you never heard Him speak of it that way. He spoke of it with a warmness, at least to me.

He never got to meet His Dad (I hope He knows Him now) and I can’t even begin to imagine not having gotten to know HIM. Though, I suspect He may have known his Dad a little through His own personality, and His own ways, as I have become greatly aware through the years that I, am just like Him in many, many ways, and I wouldn’t change a thing…..These are only a few great things about my Dad, and for me, it feels like the world should just stop for a while.

I hope He knew how much I loved Him, and love Him still, and how much He meant to me and to my husband. I will miss Him more than any words can explain but, in spite of my pain, I know He is happy, He is in no pain, He is feeling more loved than any of us on earth could ever make him feel, and most importantly, He is praising God.

One of my most cherished memories of him is when He picked me up, gave me the best, biggest hug after I was baptized as a little girl. I wish that I had many more years to spend, and memories to make with my Dad, but I am so grateful to God for the time He gave us. Happy Father’s Day Daddy ❤️ You are so very missed.